Love, Loss and Picking Yourself Up
by littlee0618
Summary: "I've been through the crying phase, the I can't believe it phase, some of the angry phase. Then came the why phase, which, I think, is still not over. But at the end of the day, I just really miss him." - Lea Michele. Deals with character death. Short one shots.
1. I, II, III

**A/N: I know, I know I've started what feel like a million stories in the last few weeks. But this is an idea that I've been hit with. It's not going to be super long, written in more a collection of scenes and all string together to make the story. Almost like a collection of short one shots I suppose. Anyway, don't hate me, it is going to be sad and deal with character death. Ultimately the story was inspired by a quote I read from Lea Michele about the process she is going through in grieving Cory Monteith's death. The story will be in a few distinct parts. The first being Love. Enjoy! **

Love, Loss & Picking Yourself Up

"_I'_ve been through the crying phase, the I can't believe it phase, some of the angry phase. Then came the why phase, which, I think, is still not over. But at the end of the day, I just really miss him." - Lea Michele  
  
**I. Love**

"Every little girl growing up dreams of falling deeply and irrevocably in love with someone, the one person who was meant to be your one and only. I wasn't that little girl, from the moment I could even blend more than two sounds together, my dream became bigger than I could ever imagine. I wanted, no, I needed to be on stage. I lived for performing, for applause and attention. Some would say that I searched for it all the wrong places, for any and every willing listener within the state of Ohio, some of which didn't appreciate my talent. But then I found you." She sniffled as the tears brimmed her eyes. She stared at her groom standing in front of her, under the small trellis that was laced and lined with pink tulips that matched the band around her waist. "I found you, when I needed you the most. You saved me, physically and emotionally. From slushy attacks, and broken noses even a broken heart." She chuckled again. "I found who I was with you, who I was meant to be. And while I still have my other dreams, I found something else with you. Something that would always be bigger than that. I found love. And security. I found my person." She sniffled. "I love you Finn Hudson, and I am so proud that today I get to call you my husband" Pausing, she looked at him, a smile lighting up her face as tears spilled out of her eyes. "I'm forever yours, faithfully" She whispered.

Finn reached over and gently wiped the tears from under her eyes, gently wiping the eyeliner and mascara that were running down her cheeks. He took her hand in his, tangling his fingers with hers as he began to speak.

"Rachel Berry, you talked about me saving you. But the truth is, baby you saved me." His husky voice was filled with an emotion that had become synonymous with Finn Hudson sharing his deepest thoughts and emotions. "You saved me from a lifelong trajectory of doing the wrong thing because it seemed right, a dead end future that involved me being in a relationship for all the wrong reasons and just a general life of nothingness. You saved me and made me who I am today. You taught me how to dream, how to reach for the sky and to accept nothing less than greatness from myself and those around me. And I see that in you. When I look at you, everything is right in my world no matter what has happened that day. If my kids score badly on a state test or you think you bombed an audition, I just have to look at you and know that everything is going to be alright. Everything will fall into place. We're living proof of that baby, that good things come to those who wait. More than that, we're tethered. When you hurt, I hurt. When you're happy, I'm ecstatic. There is nothing more than I want in this world is to make you happy. And proud. I want to make you proud of me, proud of us, proud of the family we're going to have. I want you to wear the name Hudson proudly because I am so proud to give it to you. I love you so much Rachel Barbra Berry. I'm forever yours, faithfully." He smiled. He felt her squeeze his fingers in hers as he grinned his gorgeous half smile. The one she loved.

"Well" Rev. Solomon looked out at the collected group that included their parents, closest friends which included their old glee club teacher Will Schuster and his wife Emma, along with Finn's colleagues from the middle school he taught at nearby and many of Rachel's coworkers from the theatre, where she was currently wowing audiences as Fanny Brice in Funny Girl. "I think if I was to say one thing, it would be that it is certainly obvious how much these two love each other. And how much they care for each other. Am I right?" The unconventional officiant smiled at the gathered group. "May we have the rings?"

Little Adam Schuster walked slowly from his spot in front of the best man, Finn's brother Kurt and presented the couple and Reverend with the pillow which held the wedding rings. Rachel smiled through her tears at the little boy. They both took their rings from the pillow before Adam walked back to his spot.

"Now Finn, repeat after me."  
Rachel watched as Finn blew out a shaky breath. He gave her a small smile as he took her left hand in his.  
"I Finn Christopher Hudson"  
"I Finn Christopher Hudson" He repeated, holding her gaze intently.  
"take thee Rachel Barbra Berry"  
"take thee Rachel Barbra Berry"  
"to be my lawfully wedded wife."  
"to be my lawfully wedded wife"  
"to have and to hold, for better or for worse"  
"to have and to hold, for better or for worse"  
"in sickness and in health, until death do us part"  
"in sickness and in health, until death do us part"  
"with this ring" Rev. Solomon gestured to Finn to slide it onto her finger. He did so with shaky hands.  
"With this ring"  
"I thee wed"  
"I thee wed" He slid the ring down her finger, coming to a stop above her gorgeous engagement ring. He brought her hand up to his mouth and placed a soft kiss. A collective sigh went through the crowd.

"Now Rachel, your turn" Rev. Solomon grinned. She smiled at the officiant.  
"I Rachel Barbra Berry"  
"I Rachel Barbra Berry" He repeated, holding her gaze intently.  
"take thee Finn Christopher Hudson"  
"take thee Finn Christopher Hudson"  
"to be my lawfully wedded husband."  
"to be my lawfully wedded husband"  
"to have and to hold, for better or for worse"  
"to have and to hold, for better or for worse"  
"in sickness and in health, until death do us part"  
"in sickness and in health, until death do us part"  
"with this ring" Rev. Solomon prompted her to slide it onto his finger. She did so with shaky hands.  
"With this ring"  
"I thee wed"  
"I thee wed" She looked up at him as the tears poured down her cheeks.  
"I now pronounce you husband and wife. Finn," He paused. Both of them looked at him expectantly. "You may kiss your bride."

She giggled when she saw him release a breath before he swooped down and captured her lips in his for their first kiss as man and wife. She barely heard the cheers and applause of their family and friends around them. All she could see and feel was Finn. Just way she liked it. Just the way she loved it.

They were able to escape the madness for just a few moments, taking shelter in the bridal suite where she had gotten ready to meet him at the altar just an hour before. As soon as the door closed behind them, Finn's hand wrapped around her waist and pulled her flush against him. His lips descended onto hers and she was ready, grabbing for the lapels of his suit jacket. They kissed passionately for a few heated minutes.  
"God I love you" He whispered as they pulled away. He brought his hands up from her waist to frame both sides of her face. "I love you so much." He leaned in and placed another kiss on her lips hastily, trying to show her just how much he loved her.  
"I love you too" She whispered before he swallowed her lips again.  
"Have I told you how beautiful you look?" He whispered as they pulled apart. He gently put a little bit of distance between their bodies, though it killed him to do so. "You're so so beautiful. Gorgeous." He took her in, from the way her hair was upswept in a dramatic updo that highlighted the blonde streaks she had just recently been getting in her hair to the way her gorgeous white dress highlighted every curve of her body.  
"You look pretty handsome yourself" She grinned as she ran her hands down his chest.  
"I try." He shrugged. "Only for you." She giggled as she leaned her head onto his strong chest and his arms wrapped around her waist before leaning his chin on top of her head carefully, not wanting to ruin her hair. They stood there for a few quiet moments, just taking in the moment, the day. Their lives.  
"We're married Finn." She whispered against his chest. She heard the familiar grumble of a chuckle. It was a real hearty laugh, she could feel it. She could always feel it when he meant it.  
"We are." He laughed as he pressed a kiss to her hair. "And there's nothing in the world that makes me happier." She looked up at him and grinned.  
"Me either, Mr. Hudson." She smiled.

They had a few more minutes of peace before they were lured out to take pictures with their family and bridal party. They had been blessed with a warm summer day and were able to take the pictures that they wanted to outside. Normally, Finn hated getting his picture taken. He only merely tolerated it sometimes because they had all these Broadway functions and red carpets for charities to attend to. But today was his wedding day, he didn't mind so much. As long as it meant he got to hold his beautiful wife in his arms as he did so.

He stood off to the side as the photographer took pictures of Rachel with her father's. One of them must have told a funny joke, because at the moment Rachel had thrown her head back in a full blown laugh that he could tell started in her belly and worked its way up. He grinned from his spot and watched her. A hand on his arm alerted him that he wasn't alone. He looked away from his wife to see his mother standing there, looking up at him with a smile on his face. His stepfather hung back a few paces.  
"Oh Finny. I'm so proud of you." She smiled. "You've grown up to be such a fantastic, well rounded young man. And it's all because of her" She smiled, looking at her daughter-in-law who was now posing more seriously with her extended family. Finn had finished up those pictures just moments ago. He really wanted to take more pictures with Rachel.  
"You should give yourself some credit Mom" he smiled, wrapping his arm around his mother's shoulders. "It's because of you too. You taught me how to love."  
Carole grinned up at her son. Yeah, she could take credit for that.

Later that evening, as Rachel and Finn danced gracefully in the middle of the dance floor during their first dance as man and wife to the song that had defined their entire relationship, _Faithfully._Finn couldn't help but look down at his wife with a smile on his face. The smile really hadn't left his face, from the moment the doors at the end of the aisle had opened and he had had his first glimpse of her in her beautiful dress.  
"Thank you" He whispered in her ear. She looked up at him with a curious expression on her face.  
"You're welcome. But for what?" She laughed softly.  
"For loving me." He whispered.  
"Oh Finn, that's the easy part" She whispered back. "It's like breathing."  
"Good." He chuckled. "Cause that's exactly what it's like for me too. I couldn't imagine my life without you."  
"You'll never have to." She smiled. "Until death, remember?"  
"And even after that. I'm going to love you forever."

* * *

**II. Made With Love**

It's a snowy day in February when she finds out she's pregnant. They've been married for three years, and trying actively for almost a year. She had wanted to wait for him to get home to take the test, but the excitement and anxiety got the best of her. She had a feeling that she was, all the signs were there, a missed period, tender and painful breasts and over the last few days the constant urge to throw up had emerged. Yeah, to say she wasn't surprised when those two pink lines showed up on all three of the tests she'd run out to buy, was saying a lot. Finn had come home to their small apartment just as the final test developed fully. She heard the clunk of his briefcase hitting the floor in the foyer and the shrug of him toeing his shoes. When one becomes so accustomed to living with someone else, you learn to memorize their habits. She had about a minute to decide how she was going to do this, just as he called out her name. She'd been home all day, as her run with Funny Girl had ended six months ago, and they'd decided to fully devote themselves to having a baby. A decision they had made when it hadn't happened the moment they had decide to start trying. She couldn't be Fanny Brice knocked up anyways, though her producer loved her so much she was sure they would work around it. She had other dreams, bigger dreams. Family dreams.  
"Rach?" She heard.  
"Coming Finn!" She called back, so he wouldn't come find her. She didn't have pockets in the yoga pants she was wearing, and the pocket of her hoodie really wasn't the best place to hide something. She grabbed the newest one and decided to just go for it. She clutched the beige stick in her hand and took a deep breath before opening the bathroom door and practically skipping out into the living room. She didn't find him there, instead she found him rooting through the fridge for what she presumed was a snack. She had dinner in the oven already, stuffed pasta shells with ricotta cheese. She'd given up her vegan diet two years ago, and was leaning more towards vegetarian. While she hadn't minded it at first, it had become a pain making two separate meals for her and Finn. And once it seemed like they weren't going to have a super easy time getting pregnant, her doctor had suggested adding different forms of protein into her diet in preparation for pregnancy.  
"You know dinner is going to be ready soon." She chuckled as she watched her 6'3 husband try to hide what he was doing in the fridge. She could see from where she was standing that he was shovelling left over apple pie from last night into his mouth.  
"I know" He mumbled, his mouth full.  
She chuckled. "I know what you're doing, you don't need to hide." She saw his back tense, but he did rise. With his back to her, he dropped the pie onto the counter and continued to finish off the last of it.  
"You going to say hi to me?" She questioned, arching her eyebrow at her husband. He dropped the spoon onto the empty plate and finally turned around to face his wife. A goofy look on his face.  
"Sorry. I've been dreaming about that since you slipped a piece into my lunch this morning." He gave an uneasy laugh. She waited for him to take her in. She was standing there, the stick right there in her hand.

Before she had left the bathroom she had stripped the hoodie off in favour of the tight black tank top she wore underneath at the last minute. They kept their apartment warm, because there were days that Rachel just couldn't be bothered to layer up.  
  
He walked over to her after he'd washed his hands and kissed her cheek and then her lips.  
"Hi" He smiled.  
"Well hello, daddy." She smiled. She waited for a moment as the realization dawned on him. She held out the stick in the palm of both her hands, the window side up.  
"Dad..." He repeated. His eyes went from her hands to her face and back again a few times. "You're...we're..."  
"I was just finishing up when you came home...three positives Finn. We're pregnant! Finally!" She gasped out. He fell to his knees immediately before she even finished her exclamation. He wordlessly pushed up her tank top, his hands finding the skin of her belly, his lips touching just above her belly button. She shivered at the slightest touch there, her eyes closing as he heard him talk.  
"Hi baby." He whispered. "I cannot wait to meet you" He breathed. He placed another kiss on her stomach before standing to his full height, wrapping her in his arms and holding her there. He let go of her waist after a minute, capturing her face in his hands and placing a blistering kiss on her lips.  
"I love you" He whispered. "God, I love you so much"  
"I love you too. We're having a baby!" She laughed as he kissed her again.

* * *

**III. Born To Love**  
  
She was in pain. Finn hated seeing her in pain. She'd woke him up in the middle of the night with a tight grimace on her face and her hands clutching her large belly. She was in labor. Their baby was on its way. He'd known this was coming, she had to have the baby at some point, but nothing, not even the videos they'd seen in birthing class had prepared him for how much pain she was going to be in. Sure, he'd seen her hurt before, like when she'd broken her nose (well, _he_ had broken her nose) in high school, and when her monthly cramps got the best of her. But those times had nothing on this moment. Nothing at all.

She squeezed his hand as a contraction took over her body. She groaned, arching her back and Finn felt helpless. There was nothing he could do, nothing he could say that would relieve this pain. He couldn't do it for her, though he wished with all his might that he could. She'd told him over and over the last nine months that she wanted to do this naturally, didn't want any pain relief because she didn't want their baby to come into the world doped up. While others had tried to convince her even with the epidural that that wouldn't happen, she stood her ground. And now he was wishing someone, anyone, even himself, had been able to convince her that the drug was a good enough idea. He hated seeing her like this. And he cursed the person who had put the words natural and doped up in her head.  
"I want to walk around" She groaned as the contraction ended. His eyes widened as she attempted to slide off the bed.  
"Rach, is that a good idea..."  
"I need to stand up Finn. This...sucks!" He shot up from the chair he was sitting in and grabbed her hand to help her onto the floor without moving the fetal monitor much. He grabbed her hips to steady her on her feet. She looked up at him with tears in the corner of her eyes. He instantly wrapped his arms around her waist and she leaned into the support his firm chest offered. He kissed her head. She gripped the back of his shirt as what he assumed to be a contraction ripped through her body. He held her to him tighter, trying to offer her any kind of support. The sob that emitted from her throat caused his heart to break. He felt so incredibly helpless.  
"I wish there was something I could do to help you." He whispered against her head as the contraction finally ended.  
"Just hold me. Please just hold me." She cried.  
"Always, baby. Always."

It seemed like hours went by. She wasn't allowed to walk the hallway like she wanted, as Dr. Ryder had proclaimed she was too far dilated to stray far from her room. His mom and both her father's visited, the latter making a hasty exit when Rachel screamed in pain from an intense contraction. His mom stuck around as long as Rachel wanted her. And she wanted her there. She was the only one who knew how this felt. How agonizing it was to be in pain, and not be able to do anything about it or make it end. Finn let Rachel hang off of him as much as she wanted. She hung her arms around his waist and drove her head into his stomach as the strongest contraction she had had riddled her tired body. Carole rubbed her back in comforting circles.  
"Carole when does it stop?" She cried, her words muffled by the shirt Finn was wearing. His eyes shot from his wife's back to his mother who had a sympathetic look on her face. He gave her a pleading look to answer his wife.  
"Only when the baby comes unfortunately. But when you hold that baby it will all be worth it. I promise." Carole said softly. A sob emitted from Rachel's throat. She moved her arms so they hung off of Finn's shoulders as his hands gripped her hips. She dug her nails into his shoulders as another contraction hit her. This time Carole backed away, letting her son comfort her daughter-in-law. She bit her lip as she watched the two of them. She could see, and feel the love that was radiating off of her son as he held his wife. It almost brought her to tears. In fact it did.

His Mom left them alone as the contractions got stronger and closer together. Rachel had gone back to laying on her bed as her legs became too weak to hold her up. He brushed his fingers across her forehead, moving her hair from her eyes. She blew out her cheeks as she tried to ride another contraction.  
"I love you." He whispered as their eyes locked. "I love you so much."  
"I love you too."

The door opened and Dr. Ryder stepped in, just as Rachel clenched her eyes closed from the pain.  
"How's it going in here?" He asked snapping on his gloves.  
"I think it's going alright." Finn said softly. Rachel groaned in response as Dr. Ryder sat between her legs. She whimpered and squeezed Finn's hand at what she knew was coming. The contractions and pressure she was feeling were really beginning to become too much for her to handle. She just wanted it to be over.  
"Well, it seems like we're ready to have a baby" Dr. Ryder smiled up at the couple. Finn's eyes widened as Rachel gasped, taking her bottom lip between her teeth. "Are you ready to have a baby?" Rachel nodded her head enthusiastically. She was so ready. She was beyond ready. She'd been ready since she'd felt her first contraction hours ago.  
Dr. Ryder prepared himself from his position and gave Finn directions to grab her one leg and hold it up while a nurse grabbed her other. "Rachel, I need you to take a deep breath and blow it out." She nodded as she did so. She felt the emotion swell in her throat. She was so tired but she wanted to see her baby so bad. They didn't know what they were having, they had decided against finding out. This had been especially hard for Rachel, who loved to plan things down to the minutest detail. But what was life without a little bit of surprise? This would be a good one.  
"Okay Rachel, when you feel the next contraction I want you to bear down, your chin to your chest and push with all your might." She nodded and took a deep breath as she felt the beginning of another contraction. She swallowed hard and bore down and pushed as hard as she could. She squeezed Finn's hand extremely hard, Finn felt tears prick the corner of his eyes. She let out a large gasp as she collapsed against the bed when she gave up her first push.  
"Good Rachel, good. Keep going"  
Finn waited for her to completely lose it. He knew her, she was going to snap soon. Whenever she was under immense pressure, she snapped. She pushed again and again, her energy and enthusiasm waning as she continued.  
"I can't do this." She cried as she collapsed again. "The baby is never going to come. It's just going to stay there forever." She cried, arching her back.  
"Rachel, the baby is right here. I can see the head. You just need to keep pushing."  
"But I can't, it hurts so bad." She cried. There it was. She was losing her grip. He squeezed her hand harder as she laced her fingers with his.  
"Babe, look at me." Finn whispered against her head. He tilted her face to his and he saw the exhaustion taking over her features. She bit her lip. "You are doing so great, so amazing. Just a few more pushes and our baby will be here. Do you want to hold our baby?" She nodded. "Then you got to finish here, okay? Take my hand again and I'll help you as much as I can. I love you so much and I'm so proud of how far you've come baby." She nodded at him before taking a deep breath and went again, and again until Dr. Ryder told her to slow down.  
"The baby's crowning Rachel, I need you to give me a big push so we can get the head out." She nodded and bore down, the tears freely streaming down her cheeks. "Here it comes" Dr. Ryder exclaimed. Finn looked around the sheet that had been draped over her legs and immediately blew out a breath to fill his cheeks.  
"Finn" She whined. He turned his attention back to Rachel.  
"Full head of hair baby." He whispered as he kissed her head. She grabbed his hand and pushed when Dr. Ryder encouraged her to once she'd cleaned out the baby's mouth and nose. She bore down on last time, and finally it was all over. It was done. The pain was all but gone. All that was left was a feeling of falling completely empty.  
"It's a boy!" She collapsed against the bed in complete awe and exhaustion as Dr. Ryder held up the baby for her to see. Her tears over took her and she sobbed as she watched Finn cut the baby's umbilical cord. The baby, her _son_ was instantly placed on her stomach and she sobbed as the baby began to cry.  
"Hi baby" She whispered as she ran a hand over the newborns back as he screamed. "Shhh it's okay sweetheart. Mama's here." The nurse took the baby from her after a minute to be weighed and measured.  
"We have a son." She cried as Finn leaned over to kiss her head. "We have a son, baby. A gorgeous, healthy little boy"  
"He's perfect." He whispered as he continued to kiss her head over and over. . Finn ran his fingers through Rachel's matted hair as she looked up at him with tears in her eyes.

The nurse who took the baby from her brought the baby back after a few minutes, clean and wrapped in a warm blanket with a blue hat on his head."8 pounds, 9 ounces of perfect little boy." She handed the baby over to Rachel. Rachel gasped as she accepted the newborn in her arms and instantly began to cry. She laid him against her chest as he cried, he nuzzled into her chest. She ran her hand over his back, up and down trying to sooth him. The baby quieted as Rachel placed a kiss on his hat covered head. The nurse smiled at the three of them.  
"I'll be back in a little bit to help you feed him. Congratulations."  
"Thank you" Finn whispered, not taking his eyes off of his wife and son. He placed his hand on the baby's back and his other over Rachel's head on her pillow. It wasn't comfortable by any stretch of the imagination, but he just needed to be close to them. The baby turned his head towards him and blinked a few times while he yawned.  
"That was hard work, wasn't it buddy? Being born and all that?" Finn smiled as he looked at his son. "Look babe, he has your eyes." Rachel smiled down at the baby she was clutching in her arms. The baby looked up at her with unfocused eyes.  
"He's beautiful." She smiled. She ran her finger over his nose, a nose that was so much like Finn's. The baby was gorgeous. But of course he was a little biased. It was his son.  
"He needs a name." Rachel looked up at Finn. He looked down at her, and ran his fingers up and down the baby's back, coming to a stop on his hat covered head. He moved the hat gently so they could see a little bit of the baby's hair.  
"How about Evan?" Finn asked, looking at his son.  
"Evan." Rachel repeated. She looked at the baby. She bopped the baby on the nose as he blinked. "Evan. Evan Christopher Hudson" She looked up at Finn and then down at the baby before looking back at Finn.  
"Evan Christopher. I think it's perfect." He smiled. He leaned over and placed a kiss on the baby's head. "Welcome to the World Evan Christopher Hudson."


	2. IV, V

A/N: Here's Part 4 & 5. There will be 11 Parts. I was originally going to post it as one big story, but I thrive more on feedback so...well let's see what happens :) As always, only own the plot and original characters. Everyone else is owned by RIB.

**IV: In Sickness and Health  
**  
"The itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout, down came the rain and washed the spider out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain and the itsy bitsy spider went up the spout again." Rachel sang as she laid on her stomach in front of Evan as he bounced a little bit on his bum, clapping and babbling along as she sang. At eight months old, Evan was looking more and more like Finn every day and was learning and thriving. He squealed when Rachel finished the song, clapping his hands again. Rachel smiled at her little boy. There were toys spread out all around them, Evan had a very light attention span and they moved from toy to toy as they had some one on one time while Finn was at work. She watched as the baby grabbed the rattle that was beside him and she grinned.  
"Are you making music baby?" She asked, her voice light and cheerful. Evan looked at her and smiled a big gummy smile before banging the rattle against the floor. "Gentle baby. You don't want to break it" She smiled.

The door to the apartment opened as Evan continued to bang his rattle against the floor. She was just moving to grab it from him and trade it with another toy that was more appropriate to bang against the hardwood floor of the living room when Finn walked into the room. She knew something was wrong immediately when she looked at her husband. She quickly sat up, picking up the baby and placing him in the play pen that was set up in the living room before going to her husband. He stood at the other end of the large living room, leaning his head against the cool wall. She walked over and touched his back.  
"You okay baby?" She asked softly. Her eye caught the clock on the wall, it was only 3:00pm, Finn was home early from his job as a sports reporter. The baby squealed from the play pen. She actually saw Finn scowl. He never scowled at their baby.  
"I have the worst headache in the world." He grumbled against the wall. She lifted his head a little and turned his face to look at her.  
"Why don't you go lay in bed baby, I'll bring you some Advil and warm water." She whispered. She could see the pain he was in. It must have been a bad headache if Finn had come home. He usually tried to tough these sort of things out. He nodded slightly. He rubbed his temples as he began to walk through the living room, but he did stop to give Evan a kiss on the head. The baby smiled as his dad, but frowned when Finn didn't pick him up or interact more with him. Rachel knew he wasn't right. He was usually all over the baby the moment he walked in from work. She'd take care of both of her boys.

She gave him a few minutes to get settled in the bedroom. She made sure Evan was okay for a minute before grabbing Finn the Advil, some water and a cool cloth for his forehead. She walked into their bedroom to find it in darkness, her tall and normally strong husband was curled up on their bed, dressed in pajama pants and a light t-shirt. It must have been a bad headache to deduce her husband to such mush. She walked quietly into the room, leaving the door open a little bit so she could hear Evan if he needed her. She sat down on the bed beside him and gently helped him sit up so he could take the Advil from her. He swallowed the pills thankfully, and laid back down so she could lay the cloth across his forehead.  
"I love you" He whispered as he closed his eyes. She smiled softly at him and leaned over to place a soft kiss on his cheek.  
"I love you too baby" She whispered against his cheek. "Do you need anything else?"  
He shook his head as he buried himself in his pillow. She ran her hand over his cheeks. He felt a little warm. Maybe he was fighting something.  
"I'll let you rest, I'll check in on you before I make dinner." He nodded slightly again. She kissed him one more time before heading out to the living room. If Evan was occupied in the play pen, maybe she'd be able to get some quiet housework done while Finn rested.

She made good on her word, checking on Finn before she started dinner. He was asleep on the bed, curled up in the blanket, the cloth from his forehead long fallen off. She collected it, kissed his forehead and ran her fingers through his hair before leaving him be. She hoped the Advil was helping him a little bit.

She made dinner for herself, a simple salad and made some chicken soup for both Evan and Finn, setting Finn's aside for later. She fed the baby some soup before giving him a bath and nursing him a little bit before putting him down for the night. She sighed as she leaned against the crib rail, staring at her little boy as his little chest rose and fell as he succumbed to sleep. She gently ran her fingers through his dark brown hair as he slept. Every time she looked at him her heart filled with a love she wasn't sure she could ever comprehend.  
"I love you Evan" She whispered, rubbing him tummy gently before leaving the room to go check on her husband.

She walked into their bedroom as quietly as she could and crawling onto the bed to lay beside Finn. He was still asleep, but began to stir when she ran her fingers through his hair.  
"Hi" He said weakly.  
"I didn't mean to wake you baby" She whispered, looking at him as he opened his eyes slightly. He squinted, even though the room was as dark as possible.  
"it's okay"  
"Are you hungry at all?" He shook his head in response, closing his eyes again. She ran her finger along his temple. "Still have that headache?" He simply nodded again. "And it hurts here..." He brought his hand up to his temple, pressing just above his eye.  
"Oh baby" She whispered. "Do you want me to call Dr..." He shook his head.  
"I just want to sleep." He whispered. Her heart broke, he sounded so weak.  
"Then go back to sleep baby. I'm just going to go do the dishes and then I'll come back and cuddle." All he did was nod.

When she slipped into bed next to him half an hour later, she gently placed a kiss to his forehead as softly as she could. She didn't want to wake him up. .He blew out a breath when her lips met his forehead and she wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him closer to her. She closed her own eyes as she felt his steady breathing against her chest. She said a silent prayer that his headache had dissipated enough for him to sleep.

The next thing she knew she was waking up to the sound of him retching into the toilet of their bathroom. She flew off the bed and tore into the bathroom to find Finn on his knees, hugging the toilet.  
"Oh Finn." She whispered coming to beside him.  
His next words were garbled and didn't make a lot of sense, even for Finn.  
"What baby?"  
"Don't. Feel. Feel. Weak" He groaned as he threw up again into the toilet. She immediately began to rub his back and tried to make him feel better. When it seemed like the nausea had passed, Rachel helped to clean him up and tried to help him stand up. He stumbled on is feet and she took note as he squinted his eyes. She helped him onto the bed and he groaned as he hit the mattress, bringing his shaking hands up to his face.  
"I...dizzy" he whimpered, rubbing his face. She bit her lip as she stood beside him.  
"What can I do baby?" If she was being honest, she was getting a little scared.  
" " He whispered. He sounded like a little boy. She bit her lip again and got into the bed beside her husband, drawing him into her arms. She ran her fingers through his hair as she hummed a song against his head, kissing his hair over and over. She made a promise to herself that if this kept up in the morning, she was taking him to the doctor. Something felt weird to her. This didn't feel like a regular headache to her.

The worse came at 4am. She woke up to him throwing up in the bathroom again, this time the retching sounded more painful and like he was working hard to fight against the nausea. She ran into the bathroom just in time to see her husband keel over and convulse into a seizure. Finn didn't have seizures. She collapsed beside him, trying to remember what she had heard in her CPR class she had taken before she got pregnant with Evan. She contemplated what to do before she ran for her cell phone in the bedroom, dialing 911 quickly, praying to every deity that she knew that she wasn't too late. 

* * *

**V: Loss**

She sat in the doctor's office, her back rigid and her hands clenched in her lap. She tried not to blink, tried to hold back the tears, just tried to keep it together.

He was gone.

Her big, tall, strappy husband was gone. In a matter of 24 hours he had gone from being 100% healthy to brain dead all due to a brain aneurysm.

He was gone. 28 years old and he was gone. Poof. Taken from her life. Taken from Evan's. Oh God, Evan. Her baby didn't have a father now. She felt sick. She leaned her head down in her hands that were resting on her legs. She felt like she was going to vomit.

She didn't hear the words the doctor was saying, she was sure he was explaining what they had determined had happened to her husband. She felt Kurt grab for her hand and squeezed as she sat up more. Carole sobbed from the chair beside Kurt, leaning on her own husband. But Rachel didn't have anyone to lean on. Because the person she leaned on was the reason they were here in the first place. She felt so numb. When had this become her life? What had she done...what had Finn done in a past life to deserve this, go out this way? What was she going to do?

"There was nothing you could have done differently. His symptoms mimicked those of the flu and you did the best you could when he started to seizure. Unfortunately the hemorrhage set in to quickly and even if he had come in to us hours before there was not a lot we could have done." She heard. "I'm very sorry for your loss."

She felt like she was going to vomit. Her husband was gone.  
"I want to see him." She said softly. "I need...I need to see him one more time. Tell him I love him again."  
The doctor nodded. "We can arrange that." He said softly, his features showing his emotion. But Rachel didn't care. No one would understand how she felt. He shuffled with the file in front of him before standing up. Rachel followed him, pulling her hand out of Kurt's. She followed the doctor out, the rest of the family following as she wrapped her arms around herself. She'd thrown a hoodie of Finn's on when the paramedics had arrived at her apartment, running in to take care of her seizuring husband. She tried to find comfort in the fabric surrounding her right now, it was the closest she could be to him. It was the closest she would ever be to him from now on.

When she stepped out of the office following the Dr., her father's who had met her at the hospital just as she had arrived herself, were standing there waiting for her. They had Evan with them, who has happily sucking on a bottle of expressed milk in his car seat. He giggled and kicked his feet when he saw his mother.  
"Oh Rachel" both her dads said at once, looking at her. Her lip trembled as she looked at them, her resolve breaking even further.  
"A brain aneurysm" She said softly. "A fucking brain aneurysm!" She screamed. Evan jumped in his carrier, his eyes watering as he looked at his mother, not used to her tone or language. She wrapped her arms further around herself as tears fell down her cheeks. Her dads converged on her and wrapped their arms around her tightly as she sobbed. She couldn't believe this was happening. It was all happening so fast.

She followed the doctor down the hallway. She could feel her parents behind her, and heard the soft babble of her son. The doctor left her at the door to where Finn was laid out, gave her a sympathetic smile and told her to take her time. She took a deep breath, turned to her Dad who had Evan's carrier on his arm and gave her son a kiss before she went in. She braced herself as she entered the room not knowing what to expect.

He looked so much like her Finn, her handsome husband that it kind of took her aback. She bit her lip, of course he looked like her Finn. He _was_ her Finn. Her _person. _

She'd dreamed about this. What it would be like the day she lost him. Cause she would lose him that was an inevitable part of life, she just didn't expect it to be this soon. She expected grey hair and wrinkles and old age and grandkids. Not 8 months after they'd had their first baby. Not after so little time together. This wasn't the way she had dreamed it. She didn't want this.

He looked like he was sleeping. His eyes were closed, his handsome features relaxed. His hair was mused from the attention and examinations his head had gotten. The CT scan had shown them all they needed to know. She'd been afraid they would have had to shave his head, open his head to get to the problem...but it had all happened so incredibly fast, his life had been taken from him so fast there was no need.

She took timid steps to the bed he was laying on, the sobs bubbling in her throat again.  
"Oh Finn." She whispered. "Oh Finn what happened baby? Why did this..." She broke as she got closer to him, laying her hand on his stomach and running it up and down, feeling his strong chest. She leaned into him and laid her head where her hand had been. She clasped his cold hand in hers. "Why did you leave me baby?" She whispered. "What am I going to do without you Finn?" She cried. "I love you so much Finn." This wasn't how this was supposed to turned out. It was just a headache!

She just spent the time laying there with him, taking one last moment with him. One more memory for her to remember him by. She felt so lucky at least, she'd had a lot of great times with the man she loved. And they'd had a chance to have a baby together. But they were supposed to be doing life together. Not alone. He was supposed to be here with her still. What was she going to do?

She didn't know how much time passed. She laid there with him, and just tried to absorb him. It felt different, laying there with him without his hands rubbing her back or his arms wrapping around her waist. It felt different. He was cold, lifeless. She sobbed as she laid there, awful gut wrenching sobs that she was sure they could hear all the way down in the parking garage.

When a team from what she could only assume the morgue came to the door the sobs came harder and faster. Her dad stood behind the team, knowing he would have to help them with her.  
"No." She cried. She grabbed for Finn's hand harder as they came closer to her. "NO! You're not..."  
Her dad stepped around them and came to her side. He rubbed her back lightly in an attempt to get her to calm down. He tried to pull her away from Finn, his heart breaking as he became successful.  
"NO! FINN! NO!" She cried as she was pulled away. She broke free from her father's arm and ran up to him one more time, taking his face in her hands and kissing his cold lips. "I love you so much. Baby. I love you so much I'll never ever forget you." She cried, as her dad pulled her away and led her towards where her other father, Evan and the rest of the family were waiting. As soon as she was out of the room, she keeled over and heaved until everything in her body was empty physically. She dropped to the floor and sobbed, knocking her head against the wall as her dad came to her and collected her in his arms. Nothing had prepared her for this. And she wasn't sure she would ever recover.


	3. VI & VII

A/N: I'm sorry this is so sad guys. I promise my next story will be happier. As soon as I can come up with a happy concept, that is. Any suggestions are welcome!

As always, I don't own anyone who appears on gLee. They belong to the sometimes sadistic Ryan Murphy and Co. I do own Evan and the plot. 

* * *

**VI: Denial**

The next few days felt hazy. Felt like she was living in a dream state. She felt numb. Nothing felt real. Life didn't feel real. She felt dead. She felt like she didn't know how to function. She felt like she was going through the motions.

She woke up the sounds of people talking in the hallway outside of her bedroom door. It sounded like her father's, but she couldn't be sure. She felt like she was living with cotton in her ears, everything sounded fuzzy and far away. Like swimming underwater. Or living in a bubble. She flipped over onto her other side and faced away from the bedroom door and the voices. To his side of the bed.

It was empty. Empty and cold. The sheets still smelled like him though, his musky scent invading the cotton threads. She clutched the flat sheet in her fist and brought it up to her nose, his scent invading her nose and wrapping around her. She closed her eyes tightly, trying to will herself to believe that her reality...the fact that her husband was gone...wasn't her reality at all.  
He was just in the shower. Or on a run. Or at work. Or just...doing something that didn't involve being prepared for burial.

No. He wasn't gone. He was still here. Just not here but he...

A knock on her bedroom door and she closed her eyes tighter, trying to ignore the soft sound on the wood. She wanted to ignore it. She didn't want to think there was anyone out there.

"Rachel..." The soft voice called.  
It was her brother-in-law, Blaine. She stayed silent. She didn't want to talk to anyone, see anyone.  
She heard him knock again, some words exchanged between whoever was out in the hallway with him and retreating footsteps. They're gone. Or so she thinks.  
The knock returns, and this time whoever it is tries the handle and succeeds in finding it unlocked.  
This time it isn't Blaine.  
It's her. Carole. Finn's mom. Her mother-in-law. Evan's grandmother.  
She still doesn't say a word, choosing to snuggle more into the side of the bed that had been her husbands, trying to wrap herself in the feelings and scents she found there. She felt the bed sink on her side as the older woman sat down on the bed beside her. She felt her hand on her back, and she stiffened reflexively. She felt Carole remove her hand from her back and instead placed it on her shoulder. She tried to stay silent, stoic. She knew Carole was trying to entice her out of her shell, out of bed and out further into the apartment. But it wasn't going to work.

Getting out of the bedroom meant that reality was real.  
And she was having a hard time dealing with that.  
This wasn't her new reality at all. She didn't want it to be. It couldn't be.

"Rachel, Evan needs you" The older woman said softly. "He'd really like to see his Mommy." She stiffened again at the mention of her little boy. Her little boy who looked so much like Finn. He was his carbon copy, except with her nose and penchant for dramatics. The older woman was silent again. Rachel blew out a breath as she curled more into herself, into the pillow. She felt the bed shift again and the older woman laid down beside her on the bed, her arms coming around to hug her.  
That's when she lost it. She let out a shudder of a breath and allowed the tears to fall. She pushed Finn's pillow away from her as the tears ran down her cheeks, not wanting to mar his pillow with her tears. She felt Carole tighten her arms around her and hug her to her more, kissing her head over and over as the tears began to escape out of her own eyes.  
"I know Rachel. I know." She whispered as Rachel continued to sob. "I know."  
"I can't...Carole...I can't..." She hiccupped, crying harder when she heard Evan start to cry somewhere in the small apartment. "Why him..." She cried.  
"I don't know. I don't know. I wish I knew but I don't." Carole tried to swallow the lump in her throat as she attempted to do the impossible, explain and understand why her only son had been taken away from her, from his family, from his little boy so soon and so tragically.

* * *

Noah, Sam, Mike, Mr. Shuster, Jake and Ryder carried his casket in, each with a sombre look on their faces. Or at least that's how she assumed their faces looked. She had her own eyes trained on her hands that were clutching a tissue in their grasp. Her father's flanked her one side, Evan happily sitting on her Grandpa's knee as if being in a church was the most normal thing in the world and an everyday occurrence for him. She heard him babble as she stared at her hands and tried to not sink. Tried to not completely unravel and become unhinged. It was left to be determined how well that was going to work out for her. She felt her dad grab for one of her hands as the coffin was placed on the stand in the center of the altar. The six men, who had been an important and integral part of Finn's life past and present all took a moment to walk by where she was sitting and either touch her shoulder, or like Noah and Sam, place a kiss on her cheek. Goosebumps and shivers formed on her arms as she tried to avoid their eyes and stares. She did look up and meet Noah's eyes, and saw the raw emotion in his mirrored at least a tenth of what she felt. Finn had been his best friend, his other half, the maverick to his goose. Just like he had been her person. This wasn't right. Life would never be right again.

They took their places in the pews behind her, all of them finding their significant others. She felt a hand rest on her shoulder behind her and she knew it was Noah's. She didn't do anything, didn't move or gesture for him to move it. The familiar touch was comforting.

The priest began to talk about life and how fragile it was. Evan let out a low whine from where he sat on his grandfather's knee, and she turned for the first time in awhile and cast a glance at her son. He looked at her at the same moment and immediately reached his arms out to her. His amber eyes were shining with tears in his own eyes, and her heart lurched. She pulled her son from her father's lap and cuddled him close to her, to prevent both him and herself from erupting due to the heightened sense of emotions they both seemed to be feeling. Evan cuddled close into her, grabbing the chain on her necklace as he sat on her lap, his other fist curled around a chunk of hair that he was able to reach for. She didn't move his hands, didn't change anything just sat there with her son in her arms trying to hold on for dear life, like he was.

She'd prepared something to say, a eulogy of sorts, after her Dads had said that it wasn't a part of the funeral she could skip. She written the words one night when she couldn't sleep, her denial driven insomnia keeping her from succumbing to sleep. She passed the baby back to her Dad when the priest gave the signal. She stood on shaky legs, and Kurt immediately moved to help her to the podium. She gave a weak smile to him as he stood beside her and she wrestled with the line piece of paper she had written her words on.  
"Finn was the love of my life" She said softly. "There wasn't a day that went by where he didn't make me feel like I was on top of the world. He was the best husband and the best father. He was giving, and compassionate. He lived every day like it was his last..." Her voice broke, the emotions becoming too much for her. She bit her lip as she looked out with her watery eyes, her sights falling on her son. He squeezed his fists open and closed towards her. "I loved him. I loved him so incredibly much. And I just hope he knew that." Kurt stepped forward and embraced her, holding her against him and whispering that he was sure Finn knew how much she loved him. She sobbed hysterically in his arms, as her father joined them up there and escorted her down off the altar and back to her seat. She sobbed in her Dads arms as the priest stood up and continued with the traditional eulogy that was spoken at funerals.

She didn't remember getting in the limousine, or passing Evan to Carole to be held during the car ride. But she did remember arriving at the cemetery and dropping to her knees when she saw his coffin suspended above the ground. The cold ground felt hard on her knees, her skirt rising up and the ground cutting her stockings as she did so. She sobbed as she tore at the grass. This wasn't happening. Her husband wasn't in that coffin. That coffin wasn't suspended above the ground. She wasn't about to say goodbye to him forever.

She felt arms helping her up, Burt on one side of her and one of her father's on the other. She could barely keep herself upright as she stared at the coffin.  
"This isn't fair. This isn't true. This isn't fair. This isn't true. This isn't fair." She repeated over and over.  
"I know sweetheart. I know " Her father kissed her head as Burt supported her on the other side.  
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust..." The priest spoke. She felt the waves of uncontrollable emotion taking her over, pulling her down.

She felt sick. She was handed flowers somehow, from someone and walked unsteadily to place them on Finn's coffin. She started to sob again once she put the white roses down on the lid of his coffin. She collapsed into the first arms that could catch her, this time Puck was there to catch her as he had followed behind her to place flowers on his coffin.  
"Shh." He whispered. She buried her head in his chest as she clutched at his suit jacket. This wasn't fair. She heard the tears in Puck's voice as he held her and attempted to comfort her. In the time she was held in his arms, they began to lower the casket. She whipped around as the whine of the levees that had been holding up the coffin started up.  
"NO" She exclaimed, collapsing to the ground. She sobbed on the ground again, pulling at the grass and crying until she was hoarse. She dry heaved as the casket dropped out of sight. This wasn't happening. This wasn't real. He wasn't gone. He wasn't in there. It was someone else. She was going to snap out of this nightmare. They were wrong. They were all wrong. This wasn't happening. She'd wake up soon. She'd wake up and this would all be some sick, twisted joke.

* * *

**VII: Anger**

Evan was hysterical. He was teething, getting what she could feel to be three teeth at once and he. was. miserable. And he let Rachel know it. She bounced him around the apartment, trying in vain to get him to calm down but nothing was working. This teething thing had been ongoing for months since he was four months old, and Rachel prayed that they were almost done. The poor kid had been dealing with this for five months now, with the previous four weeks being lighter than others. Maybe that's why she was paying for it now. Well, more like Evan was paying for it now.  
He screamed in her ear as she held him against her, and she felt all the strength and resolve she had slowly slipping between her fingers. Tears burned in her eyes as she as listened to him He clutched her shirt in one fist and a handful of her hair in the other. She was exhausted,, her nerves and emotions frayed at the ends just like her hair.  
"Okay, okay" She whispered as she kissed Evan's head. She walked into the living room and placed him in the playpen. He screamed louder than he had before and Rachel felt her shoulder's slump.  
"I'm just going to get you some medicine baby. I'm just going to get you some medicine." She repeated. She slowly backed out of the room, keeping Evan in her sights. He screamed and stomped his feet as he hauled himself up against the side of the playpen.  
She walked into the kitchen and went for the cabinet where she kept all of the medications she could ever need. She found the infant Tylenol and pulled it out, dropping it to the counter as she leaned her hands on the counter. Her shoulders slumped and she dropped her head as she listened to Evan scream, closing her eyes tightly as the tears fell from her eyes. She tried not to remember the last time Evan had had an extreme bout with teething.  
Finn had still been here.  
He'd walked the hallway with him, trying to calm him, giving him a warm back and sitting with him while the Tylenol kicked in.  
Finn had done it all.  
Evan was a daddy's boy. And she felt like she was failing him because she couldn't comfort him the way Finn had when his first teeth had broken through. She clenched her jaw as she thought about those moments, and the anger that had been building the last few days seemed to bubble.  
"You fucking asshole." She blew out as she stood and straightened herself. "Had to fucking leave me. Leave us. We NEEDED YOU!" She kicked the fridge as she walked by, her toes stinging from the force. She screamed in frustration so loud that she didn't realize she had scared Evan as she walked into the living room. Her eyes met the baby's across the room and her anger softened when she saw the baby's eyes well with tears that weren't from shrieking in pain but more from being scared, hurt. Her heart immediately shattered. She rushed over to him, dumping the Tylenol on the side table and running to her baby. She scooped him up in her arms and cuddled him to her as tears flowed down her cheeks and landed on his little t-shirt.  
"I'm sorry baby. I'm sorry" She soothed, brushing his dark brown hair back from his eyes. "I'm sorry." She cuddled him to her and walked over to the couch. He snuggled into her, whimpering in pain as she settled them on the couch. She propped him against her and tried her best to dose out the medicine for him. She gave him to him, his tiny lips closing around the syringe as she slowly plunged the grape liquid into his mouth. When it was empty, she pulled it away and smiled slightly when she saw him pop his lips at the taste. He still whimpered as he looked up at her with watery amber eyes.  
"I'm so sorry Evan. I'm so sorry." She whispered as she held his gaze.

The baby eventually fell asleep in her arms as the Tylenol took effect and gave her son some much needed relief from the teething hell he seemed to be experiencing. She held him in her arms for a few minutes longer before getting up from the couch and slowly walking down the hallway to his bedroom. She opened the door with her shoulder and gently placed her little boy in his crib. She admired him for a few moments, watching as his little chest rose and fell before leaving him to have the nap he so desperately craved.

Instead of going out to the main area of the apartment to do the chores she so desperately needed to accomplish, she walked into her bedroom and the overwhelming feeling of anger overcame her once again.

All around her she was surrounded by memories of Finn. She hadn't had the heart to do anything with his possessions just yet, it had only been a month. But right now, the sight of the book he was reading on the side table beside his bed, his collection of colognes on the dresser seemed to ignite an unstoppable force of anger that bubbled in her blood stream and poured out of her pores. Before she could think through what she was doing, she grabbed the book off the night stand and threw it across the room. She grabbed for a few bottles of his cologne from the dresser and threw them against the door, growling as they smashed against the wall. She threw herself onto the bed, his side of the bed and pounded and kicked her hands and feet into the mattress and screamed into his pillow until her voice fell hoarse and the sobs took over. Everything hurt. Nothing felt safe. Nothing would be okay. And she fucking hated Finn Hudson more than anything right now.

She hates him for leaving her, hates him for leaving their son without a father which she knew for a fact was his BIGGEST fear with the way his own father had abandoned him. She hates him for leaving her in the midst of the worst of Evan's teething stage. She hates him for leaving her a widow at 28 fucking years old.  
She hates that she has to live without him.  
She hates that she's even getting to find out what it felt like to live without him.  
She hates that her son doesn't have a father.  
She hates that she'll never be able to feel his arms around her again in one of his great, big bear hugs. She hates that she'll never get to feel his heartbeat under the palm of her hand. She hates that she'll never get to kiss him, make love to him, cuddle up with him while they watched a movie.  
She just hates him.  
She doesn't like hating him. But it was the only tangible emotion she was feeling at the moment.  
And she hates that feeling almost more than she hates her husband.  
Her dead husband.  
And with that she heaved over the side of the bed, his side of the bed, as her sobs overtook her body and sent her flying into an abyss of emotion.  
She just wanted to wake. the. fuck. up from this nightmare. When would it end? Will it ever end?


	4. VIII, VIIII, X

**Well, here you go guys! There will be an epilogue, but just wanted to get this up! Sorry it's so sad :(**  
**I don't own anyone from glee, just Evan and the plot.**

**VIII: Bargaining **

She often stayed up late at night, long after Evan has gone to sleep and the rest of the apartment had been picked up, wondering if there was something she could have done differently all those weeks ago. Her thoughts were always running rampant in her mind, and came to her at the worst times, like when his yogurt in the fridge finally spoiled to the point where it stunk and she finally brought herself to throw it away. Picking up the container and looking at it made her think of him, and how much he had loved yogurt and how he never got to eat it. And that instantly made tears come to her eyes, followed by a flash of anger and despair. She hated feeling like this, like a helpless damsel that couldn't keep control of her emotions. Everything reminded her of him. Looking at Evan was even worse, he was his father's virtual doppelganger. With her eyes.

All this was happening, this hell she was living in was because she hadn't noticed the signs earlier, taken more interest in his symptoms, cared for him better. She should have done better by him. He would have done better by her if the roles were reversed. She couldn't sleep, she could barely eat as she had no appetite. Her mind and soul tortured her on a daily, if not hourly basis about the way things should have been and could have been. If she had just _done something to save him_.

Like today for instance. Her and Evan had gone out to the farmer's market that they had in Central Park every Saturday and looked around as they had done often the weeks leading up to Finn's sudden death. It had been the first time she had ventured out since he had passed away. She hadn't wanted or felt the need to leave the apartment until this morning. Her father's had been in and out throughout the last few weeks, taking care of the day to day things like groceries and any errands she had needed done. But today was different. She felt it in her bones, she needed a change. She had taken one look at Evan, standing in his play pen, jumping up and down in a hyper state. She smiled at her baby and had decided to just get on with it today. She had to start living at some point, even if it was just going through the motions at the very least. The motions would at least make her feel like she did something today, instead of becoming a prisoner to her horrifying thoughts, as such as the case every other day.

That's how she had ended up strolling through the park towards the farmer's market, Evan happily bopping in his stroller, a cute navy bucket hat on his head as he munched on a teething ring. She tried to make it work, tried to keep her thoughts at bay. But trying was a lot easier said than done.

She hadn't panicked, not at the park at least. They'd spent the morning there, picking up fresh fruits and vegetables that she hadn't realized she had been missing. The sunshine felt great on her skin, and the air while still distinctly New York, smelled fresh and invigorating.

But it was when she got home and put Evan down for a nap before putting away the fruit and vegetables she had purchased that it hit her again.

The big, hulking 6'3 void was there, ever present in her day to day life and had been for the last two months. Her husband was gone. And she constantly wished that there was something she could do about it. There should be more she could have done about it. He shouldn't be gone. He should still be here, helping her put away their purchases, or making fun of her for buying eggplant again. He should just _be here_.

It was then that she broke down. She poured herself a glass of the fresh organic lemonade she had bought at the farmer's market, sunk into his favourite chair in the living room and cried. She missed him more than she would ever be able to deal with. As her sobs subsided, having a good cry had become a daily thing for her, the guilty thoughts settled in to her brain once more, egging her on about how she should have taken him to the ER sooner, should have paid more attention. A million thoughts danced in her head, none of them good. All she was left with, at the end of the day was the impossible question with one word.  
**Why?**

* * *

**VIIII: Depression**

When she'd envisioned celebrating her son's first birthday, she'd pictured something completely different. Her dream had been waking up next to Finn, snuggling close as they reminisced about where they had been a year before and waiting for the telltale chatter of their baby who had made it to the big milestone that was turning a year old.

But on that October morning, when she heard the telltale squeal of her little boy coming from the monitor on the table beside her, she couldn't bring herself to drag her feet out of bed. Evan wasn't crying or anything, more like quiet babbling and nonsense words, mixed in with a few Mammee's for posterity's sake. She tried to bring herself to smile as she had in the past, but like the last few weeks prior she was struggling to even get the motivation to get out of bed, even call out to her son to let him know that she heard him like she usually did. She buried her face in the pillow, willing the world to go away for just one more minute.

"Mameeeeeee" She heard. "Mameeeeeeeeeee" His calls became insistent as time went on, trying to get her attention. "Mameeeeeeee". She groaned as his voice singsonged her name over and over again as she persistently tried to keep his voice out. She almost wished it would _go away. _Not that she would ever wish her baby away, because well he was the last bit of Finn she was ever going to have, but she just...she just needed him to disappear sometimes for awhile, you know?

This feeling had been building the last few weeks, gradually getting worse. She spent her days on the couch, with Evan in his playpen or wandering the living room when she remembered to put up the gates to lock him in. Those were the days that the fog wasn't as thick. But today it seemed that it was layered on extra thick. She was sure it had to do with the significance of the day. Her father's had been trying to encourage her to talk to someone, a professional about the way she was feeling. But she had thwarted every attempt they had made, brushing them off saying she didn't need the help, that she was _fine_. She knew they were concerned. But she didn't care. She didn't have the one thing she wanted most, and nothing was going to change that no matter how much they tried. Unless they knew how to raise the dead.

She didn't realize it, but Evan's voice had stopped calling her. It didn't register until a knock came to her bedroom door and it opened before she had a chance to register what was happening.

She felt his little fingers on her hand before she opened her eyes. They shot open and she was met with a messy crop of dark brown hair and the distinct giggle of her now one year old son.  
"How did you get in here?" She groggily asked the baby.  
"Mamee!" He squealed, raising his arms to be picked up. She reached over the side of the bed and lifted him up onto the bed beside her. She rolled over on to her back as the baby bounced on the bed to her right. It was then that she noticed her brother-in-law/best friend standing in the doorway of her bedroom. She bit her lip as she looked at him.  
"Hi" She said softly, sitting up. She adjusted the large t-shirt she had warn to bed, sitting up to face her brother-in-law properly.  
"I knocked." he said simply. "but when you didn't answer, I let myself in because I could hear him yelling your name from his bedroom." Right, their apartment wasn't that big and everything seemed to echo and vibrated, collecting in the front of the apartment.  
She didn't pretend to hide the look on her face, looking down at her lap, just in time for Evan to crawl into it. He landed in her lap, bouncing happily on his knees that were quickly digging into her thighs as he looked up at her, a goofy grin on his face. His father's grin.  
"Thanks." She said softly, turning her attention from her baby to her brother-in-law/best friend. She saw the small smile grace his lips.  
"Blaine's in the living room. We were thinking maybe we could take you guys out for brunch, and then hit the zoo or something? Before the party tonight?" He took a tentative step forward as he said this, trying to gauge her reaction to what he was suggesting. The baby bounced him her lap again and patted his chubby hands on her cheeks.  
"Mammee! Zoooooo" He said enthusiastically. She was sure he didn't know what he was saying, merely copying Kurt's word from a moment earlier. She saw the light in his amber eyes, the eyes of his father. She tried to smile down at him, before looking at Kurt who was staring back at her intently.  
"Sure." She said slowly. She attempted a smile. "That sounds great actually."

Kurt swept Evan up out of Rachel's lap and flew him out of the room to get dressed for the day. Rachel laid back on her bed, looking up at the ceiling as she played mindlessly with her wedding ring around her finger.  
"I wish you were here Finn." She closed her eyes as the tears attempted to surface in her eyes. She tightened her eye lids and practiced some deep breathing before she slipped out of bed and headed for the bathroom to take a quick shower. Hopefully it would improve her mood enough to let her seize the day. Her baby only turned one once.

Kurt and Blaine had Evan dressed and ready by the time she appeared out of her bedroom. She smiled when she picked up her son after he had thrown himself at her, perching him on her hip. She kissed his brown hair that Kurt had neatly brushed into a comb over of sorts, and couldn't help but chuckle at his face when she fussed it a bit.  
"He's a baby Kurt, not a manikin." She chuckled a little. Evan looked up at her with a cheeky smile on his face. "Plus, this way he looks more like Finn." She added softly. She saw Kurt and Blaine exchange a glance before smiling at her.  
They got set to go to brunch, the a genuine smile gracing Rachel's face when she read Evan's shirt. It proudly announced that he was the birthday boy, looked like a jersey from their old high school and had a big number one on the back.  
"It's from Puck." Kurt said softly. "He sends his best wishes, and that he's sorry that him and Quinn can't make it as she's so close to her due date and they..."  
Rachel nodded, flicking her hand as to dismiss the rest of his story. She understood. She really did. But at the same time...  
Puck had been Finn's best friend.  
She shook her head and kissed Evan's head before grabbing his jacket and getting ready to leave. She wouldn't drown today. It wasn't an option.

Brunch was absolutely delicious. She laughed at Kurt and Blaine as they attempted to get Evan to eat the waffles they had ordered him, while Evan fought them on it. He wanted to feed himself, while they didn't want his shirt to get dirty. After a good few minutes of chuckling, she decided to help them, grabbing the burp cloth she still kept in the diaper bag and draped it around her son like a backwards cape. Evan giggled uncontrollably when he was finally able to feed himself.

She allowed herself to relax when they got to the zoo, and just fall into the mood of the day. She walked with Kurt as Blaine walked ahead of them, Evan toddling beside him with his hand clutched in his.

"Thank you." She said softly as she kept her eyes on her son who was squealing as they approached the pen with the lions.

"For what?" Kurt cocked his head to the side and looked at her.  
"This." A beat, she bit her lip. "Making me get off my ass today. Making sure he has a special birthday. Caring about us..." Her lip trembled. Kurt's arm went around her in that instant, just as Blaine picked up Evan so he could get a better look at the lions.

"First of all, of course I care about you two. You guys are my family and I love you." He smiled. "Second, you're welcome. I know you're hurt and everything feels like it's never going to be okay again because I have days like that too and he was my brother. He was the love of your life. He would want you to live life to the fullest, and take care of that little boy to the best of your ability. I know you're trying. I don't know how you do it. But I'm doing this...today...for him, because I know it's exactly what he would have wanted. How he would have wanted to spend the day with you guys. And I'm doing it for Evan because he deserves the world, even if it's been so cruel to him in his short life to take his father away from him before he could even really know him. And I'm doing this for you because I just want to see you smile again, even if it's just for a little bit. You're still my best friend and I will do ANYTHING for you and that little boy. I mean it. Just say the word. I know I've kept my distance but I'm not doing to anymore. I'm so sorry I haven't been around as much as I should have..." Kurt finished, looking at her intently. She immediately felt the tears surface in her eyes as she threw her arms around Kurt and hugged him tightly.  
"Thank you."  
"For what?" He chuckled. Deja vu, anyone?  
"For being you." She kissed his cheek softly. "And being the best best friend, brother-in-law and uncle that me and Evan could have ever asked for."  
Kurt just shrugged as they heard the distinct giggle of Evan unsteadily running towards them, Blaine close behind him. Rachel bent down and grabbed her son up in her arms, smothering him with kisses when she stood up right.  
"Mama Roooooooarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr" The baby laughed. Rachel laughed through her remaining tears and kissed his head over and over. Maybe things would be okay.

After they finished at the zoo, they headed back to Rachel's apartment so Evan could have a nap and Kurt and Blaine could help her set up for the little party they were having at dinner time.

Finn's parents had flown in, and her father's were going to come by with a cake. Santana and her girlfriend had promised to join them and well, that would be it. But it was enough for her and she was sure it would be enough for Evan too. Though there would always be the empty void. The proverbial empty chair at the table. She shook her head as she set the table with the 'you're 1!' paper plate Blaine and Kurt had bought and forced herself to smile. Even if it was fake and she was dying inside.

She almost lost it when she saw Carole. She was holding Evan in her arms and the look on Carole's face when they opened the apartment door was enough to make the tears in her own eyes start to well. She saw the way Carole was looking at Evan, seeing what Rachel saw every day when she woke up. She saw Finn.

Evan reached his hands out to his Nana and Carole immediately took the boy from her and snuggled him against her chest. They hadn't seen them more than over Skype in the months that had followed Finn's death. Rachel hadn't really wanted to leave New York, while Carole could barely bring herself to New York. But today was special.

"Did you miss Nana baby?" Carole whispered into the boy's head. He looked up at her and gave her the famous Hudson smile. Rachel leaned over and kissed his head before going back to help out with the food in the kitchen.

Evan was gifted with a million toys, books and anything else a little boy could want. He instantly fell in love with the boxes the toys came in, as well as a little drum set that had been a second gift from Puck, Quinn and Beth. Rachel had actually teared up when she noticed that it was painted exactly like the one Finn had played in high school.  
"Mammeee!" He exclaimed as he waved around the red plastic drumsticks that came with the set, the only thing Burt had been able to liberate from the packaging.  
"I see baby. Drumsticks." She had to remember to call Puck later.

After presents came cake, and she knew Blaine was videotaping the whole thing. The look on Evan's face when he saw the giant cake in the shape of a large 1 made her bite her lip and think of Finn. Finn had always loved his sweets, and it seemed like Evan was going to be the same way.  
"Happy birthday baby boy" She kissed his hair as she placed a piece in front of him. She laughed a little when he eyed it up and down before she picked up his hand and smashed it into the cake. He looked bewildered until he went to stick his fingers in his mouth. And then he was all for it.

But it was when she was left alone that night in her apartment, everyone leaving to go back to their own hotel rooms or houses, that she was left to her own devices and the darkness returned. She gave Evan a bath, gently running the water over him, laughing slowly as he blinked when it would get in his eyes. As she watched him splash, she was brought back to memories of the first time they'd given him a bath, together. They'd both been so afraid of dropping his tiny, wet body into the water or getting soap in his eyes. But they'd survived it, and Evan had come to love bath time. Even though his chief splashing partner was gone.

She dressed Evan for bed that night, gently pulling on some brand new pajamas that had been sent along from Brittany that were covered in navy blue stars before sinking into the rocking chair in his room, for the only real cuddle time they were getting that day. As she nursed him, something she did still only because selfishly it gave her the feeling of still being so _needed_ despite her haze and because he seemed to sleep better with it, she felt herself really just _miss_ _him.  
_"I love you my little angel boy." She whispered as she looked down Evan as he began to doze off to sleep. "I hope you know how much Mommy loves you. You're the only reason I've made it this far in the last few months. You're my last link to your daddy and I'm going to do my best to do right by you and by his memory. Your daddy used to say, before Papa Burt came into his life, that it was always him and Nana against the world. I guess I'm beginning to see what he meant by that. It's me and you against the world baby. The dynamic Hudson duo." She whispered. She lifted him up so he was cuddled further up on her chest and kissed his head. She stood with him carefully and brought him over to his crib. She placed him down and watched him curl into himself, much like Finn always did in his sleep.  
"Happy birthday baby." She whispered once more before slipping out of his room and heading for her own.

She collapsed on her bed and began to sob into her pillow. She had made it through today. Now she just had to make it through the rest of her life.  
  


* * *

**X: Acceptance**

She'd hoped it would get easier by now. But she should have known that nothing would ever be easier for her. It was just the way it would always be, she had lost the love of her life and no amount of therapy was ever going to help that.

But she had started going to therapy. Both sets of parents had sat her down calmly the day after Evan's birthday and suggested that she see someone, talk to someone. When she had vehemently denied that she needed help, they gently suggested to do it for Evan. Of course they would use the Evan card. But she just had to take one look at her baby boy, with the wide brown eyes and the look that was so distinctly Finn and know that they were right. This wasn't all about her. It was never all about her. She had him who depended on her and solely her now for everything he could ever need.

So she'd made a promise to him, much like the one she had made the night of his birthday, to be the best mom she could be to him and if that meant getting therapy then so be it.

And she did.  
And she learned a lot.  
Learned that her feelings about the death of her husband were absolutely 110% normal. And that yes, it was okay to miss him so much that her heart physically hurt.  
She learned that the ache would probably always be there. But that she should be so thankful that at least she had Evan to remind her of her lost husband. Her therapist had kindly pointed that out, and Rachel thought so too. She was thankful and lucky. Her little boy was the best.

But it still didn't make any of this easier. It didn't make it easier when the fuse blew in the apartment and she had to call the landlord. It didn't make it easier when Evan tripped in the living room over his own two feet (clumsy on his feet like his dad) and cutting his head open on the side of the coffee table enough to warrant stitches. That trip to the hospital, a mere three weeks ago still gave her nightmares and panic attacks. She had been so sure that they were going to see how unfit she was and take him away, her only living breathing pure link to Finn.

But she had made it. She had made it to the one year mark. And when she woke up that morning to Evan shouting about breakfast and captoons (cartoons, but in Evan speak) she felt slightly more in control than she ever had been in the past year.

So she walked down the hallway opened the door to her son's bedroom, smiling when she found him beaming at her, jumping up and down in his crib. She'd been trying to curtail that behaviour but today, she was just going to let it go. She didn't want him to be sad, not when it was one of the saddest days of her life already. She took her time changing his diaper as he chattered to her in what had become known as Evan-speak (A lot of made up words in that language) before taking him to the bathroom and quickly giving his poor still healing forehead a wash and new bandage before letting him run free. She followed behind him, listening to him shriek about cheerios and found him standing next to his high chair waiting for her to help him into it.

She'd taken to talking to him, as if he could truly understand what she was saying. So when she finally put the bowl of cheerios in front of him (with just a splash of milk, he wasn't a fan of them when they were mushy.) and settled down next to him with her own coffee and slice of toast, she told him about her plan for the day.  
"We're going to go visit Daddy today Evan." She said softly. He cocked his head to the side and looked at her with a dopey look on his face.  
"Daddee?" He asked, his eyes brows raising in question.  
"Yeah. We're going to go see Daddy. Maybe we can buy some red and white flowers to put on his grave?"  
"Gabe?' He questioned.  
Her voice dropped an octave, the innocence of him repeating her words hitting her like a Mack truck.  
"Yeah. His grave." She repeated. She stopped talking then, letting the silence envelope both of them as they finished their breakfast. When they were both done, she let Evan out of his high chair, cleaning his hands first. Before he ran off, he looked up at her with his impossibly big brown eyes.  
"Kank yew!" He grinned, throwing his arms around her leg before bolting from the room. Her heart surged as she watched him run from the room and went about cleaning up after their breakfast.

After getting ready for the day that was already starting out to be a warm one for the middle of June, Rachel plopped Evan in his stroller and set out for the florist that was near their building. After picking out some red and white flowers and allowing Evan to pick out a few that he liked, they paid for their flowers before making the trek a little further towards the cemetery where Finn was rested.  
She found his site and bit her lip, the emotions coming to swell within her. As she looked down at the engraving, she felt herself moving to touch the words gently.

**_Finn Christopher Hudson  
May 11th 1994 - June 19th 2022  
A Beloved Son, Father and Husband  
He took the midnight train, going anywhere..._**

"Hi honey." She whispered, placing the flowers in the vases, spreading them out equally among the few that were there, an equal mix of red and white. "I'm sorry I haven't been by in a while. It's been a busy three weeks. Little man has been keeping me on my toes" She chuckled, turning back to Evan as he sat in his stroller. He grinned at her, shaking the toy he had in his hand. "Guess you saw the nice battle wound he's got there, eh? Freaked me out pretty badly. Really could have used one of your amazing hugs that day. Or your extensive experience with the emergency room..." She chuckled and then went quiet for a moment, just staring at the headstone. "I miss you Finn." She blew out a breath. "I really wish you were here with us. Everything would be so much better with you here." Her voice was shaky. "I miss you so much. Just...I just miss you." She allowed a stray tear to fall and quickly wiped it away. She stood up a little, brushing off her knees before going over to where she had parked Evan's stroller. She unbuckled her toddler and pulled him out, clutching his squirming form to her and went back to where Finn's headstone was.  
"Evan, this is your Daddy." Rachel whispered into his ear. Evan laid his head on her shoulder, sticking his fingers in her mouth. "I know you might not remember him but he sure remembers you. And he loves you so incredibly much."

Another thing she learned in therapy. Talk about Finn and his feelings in the present tense, not the past. Finn died loving them. He would always love them. It was the simple truth and the one thing that she could safely assume. He would always love her and Evan, just like they would always love him.

"Daddee..." He whispered with his fingers still in his mouth. "Lub Daddee..."  
"Yeah, I love daddy too." She kissed his head. They sat there together, Evan picking at the grass on the ground, fisting it between his fingers as Rachel sat there in quiet contemplation.

When Evan started to get restless, she put him back in the stroller, buckling him up and reclining the seat. She hoped he would fall asleep for his nap while they were out. She wanted to just be away from the apartment right now, enjoy the weather.

"I'm going to love you forever Finn." She whispered, tracing his headstone again. "How could I not? You were my person..." She trailed off. She bit her lip and leaned over to kiss the top of the headstone before standing up. "I'll try to stop by more often again. I promise. I can only promise that I'll try."

She put Evan to bed that night and as she watched him fall asleep, his little eyes fluttering and his lips puffing out a breath she had to smile at her boy. She'd made it. She'd survived. And she would continue to survive. She had to, for him.  
Evan's voice broke her out of her thoughts.  
"Daddee.." His small, sleep laden voice whispered. "Luv daddee..."

The tears surfaced in her eyes instantly and she had to leave the room before the sobs that were threatening to erupt from her throat began. She ran to her room and closed the door, throwing herself on her bed. As she cried she felt a peace come over her, almost like a blanket. And she didn't know where it came from, but suddenly she heard his voice so clearly.

"Shhh" It said. "It's going to be okay Rach. I'm right here, and I always will be." She shivered and her eyes flew open, searching the room that was beginning to fade to black. She squeezed her eyes shut to will his voice forward again. "I love you. It's okay. It's going to be okay. I'll always look after you guys." She heard. "I love you."

"I love you too Finn..." She whispered into the air. She threw her eyes open again and sat up in bed, rubbing her eyes even though the tears were still falling steadily. She grabbed for the photo album she had been looking at the night before, and flipped it open to the first page. And there he was, grinning at her with his arms wrapped around her. She chuckled at some of the funnier pictures where his goofy half grin was prominent, and bit her lip at the more serious ones, like pictures from their graduation day and the day they were married.

And as she got to the end of the photo album, where pictures of the day Evan was born were rested she heard his voice again. "You'll have me forever. My home is with you Rach. Forever. Remember that."


	5. It's Been 7 Whole Years

Well here it is guys, the ending. Hope you like it.

I just own Evan and Jack. Anyone related to glee is owned by Fox and Ryan Murphy. 

**XI: Moving Forward  
**  
It's been seven years.  
Seven whole years since that fateful day when she'd watched the love of her life fall into a seizure on the bathroom floor and basically never return to her.

She'd survived seven years without him. They had survived seven years without his smile, his goofy jokes and his clumsy dancing. They'd survived. But in those seven years they'd also grown up. Evan had had many birthdays and milestones through the years, from walking, first words and scoring his first goal in Little Kickers soccer and losing his first tooth. They'd done it all without Finn, the dynamic Hudson duo Pt. 2, them against the world.

But somehow along the way, she'd managed to put her life back together. Somewhere along the way she'd been given a second chance at love. A second chance at the family she had always thought her and Finn would have.

Jack Hadley walked into her life, took one look at the broken woman in front of him with a little boy who was badly in need of a male role model of the straight variety (there was only so much phone calls from Ohio and occasional visits could do, and well...her dads, Kurt and Blaine weren't the manliest of men if she was being honest) and hadn't promptly run in the other direction. Instead, he had helped her put herself back together. That had been over a year ago, right before the 6th anniversary.  
And today she stood in front of his headstone again, much like she did every other time she visited. But today was different. Today marked exactly 7 years since Finn Hudson had left this world, left a boy fatherless and her soulmateless.

But today would be different. Because today marked the first time Jack and Finn were going to be formally introduced.

She held his hand in hers as they stood there, watching Evan put the new flowers they had brought in the vases with a practice precision of a child who had done this one too many times. It broke her heart every time she saw him do it, there was nothing right about this scenario. This shouldn't be their normal. This wasn't what she dreamed. Life wasn't what she dreamed of. She felt Jack squeeze her hand and give her a gentle smile. He was a patient man who was quite a few years older than her and had suffered significant loss in his own life. Maybe that's why he fit so well with her. Because he'd known as much hurt as her. She didn't try to dissect it, being with Jack made her feel safe again and that was all she could ask for. It's all she wanted. She just wanted to feel love again. Feel like she was anchored again. She needed to feel alive.

And Jack made her feel all of that. Not like Finn had, with Jack the feelings were different. Much different. But the same all at once.

Jack was great with Evan. He respected that Evan held the father he never really got to know to a high regard, understood that Finn was and always would be Evan's hero. Like Christopher Hudson had been for Finn, Finn Hudson was a dream Evan would surely always have, a relationship he would sorely miss no matter who was in his life. Jack helped Evan with his homework every night when Rachel couldn't, played catch with him in the backyard and taught him to throw a spiral with the football. All things Finn had wanted to do with his son. He'd been so elated that they had a son, those first few days and had filled his and Evan's first conversations with all of the things he was going to teach him. None of which had gotten to happen. Until she had met Jack on the soccer field over a year ago, it had been Rachel who had taught Evan to ride a bike, roller skate and tie his shoes. Potty training had been an interesting feat all those years ago, as well as every father's day since he had started school. When he was younger she was able to pass it off, have brunch or something with her father's and Kurt and Blaine, but when he hit school age and kids in his class started teasing him about not having a father, it had become unavoidable... a milestone she simultaneously hadn't thought of and wanted to forget super fast. But now that Jack was in their lives, she felt like she could breathe a little easier on a daily basis. She knew Evan liked him, he had told her so himself. And she knew that Jack would never replace Finn for Evan, but she liked that he had him now.

She'd been surprised when Jack asked her to marry him. She'd accepted after thinking about it for a beat. She knew this is what Finn wanted her to do. He wanted her to find someone else to love her and take care of her and Evan. He wanted her to live her life. So she'd said yes when he asked three months ago and that was that. She played with the ring on her left hand. It was different from the ring Finn had given her all those years ago, this one was silver where Finn's had been gold, and the diamond was square and not round. She still wore Finn's around her neck, she always would.

She wasn't surprised though, when she'd learned days after the proposal that Jack had asked not only Evan's permission, but her father's and Finn's parents as well to ask her to marry him.

They both watched as Evan talked to Finn on his own. Rachel had taken to bringing him to the cemetery on a biweekly basis. She always smiled a sad smile when she watched her son talk to his father, tell him enthusiastically about his days at school and his latest accomplishments. He'd finally changed from soccer to a junior football league this year, even though the thought of her (not) so little boy playing one of the roughest sports known to man scared the crap out of her.

"You okay?" Jack asked softly, taking his eyes off his stepson and looking down at Rachel.  
"I'm fine." She said softly. He squeezed her hand in his and pulled her towards him. She leaned into his body and felt him kiss her head. "I'll be fine. It's just..."  
"Hard..." He completed. "I know. I know."

Jack himself had lost his first wife tragically to cancer a year before Rachel lost Finn. They both had that in common, losing their soul mates. Somehow it made the connection they had made that much more special.

He hugged her to him as they watched Evan stand up, pat the headstone and head for the two of them.

"All done honey?" Rachel asked softly, running her fingers through her son's messy mop of hair.  
He nodded. "Jack, do you want to come meet him?"

Jack gave Evan a small smile and took the boys hand that he had outstretched to him. Rachel walked a pace behind them and bit her lip as she listened to what Evan had to say.

"I'm back Dad." He started, softly. "I want you to meet Jack. He's mom's..fiancé?" He scrunched up his nose and looked up at Jack who nodded. "He's mom's fiancé. Him and Mom are going to get married real soon." He pushed at the grass with his foot. He dropped Jack's hand in favour of stuffing his hands into the pockets of his shorts. "He's a good guy dad. I really like him. He taught me how to throw a spiral with the football. Mom says that's one of the things you wanted to teach me. I hope it's okay that Jack taught me. Mom says you would be okay with it." The foot thing happened again. "He takes real good care of me and Mom, Dad. Grandpa and Granddad approve. And so do Nanny and Papa. Momma says that would have been important to you. But like I said, I like him. And he likes the Giants, so that's a bonus." Evan grinned at the headstone. "Say hi Jack."  
Jack cleared his throat. Rachel stepped closer to her two men and took Jack's hand again, taking Evan's in the other.  
"Well hello Finn Hudson, let me introduce myself. I'm Jack Hadley and for the last year and a bit I've had the pleasure of getting to know your wife and your awesome little boy Evan. You've got quite the family here, and I'd love for them to be my family too. Evan told you that I've asked Rachel to marry me, I hope that's okay. Your mom and stepfather seemed pretty okay with it when I met them back on spring break." He paused and looked at Rachel and then at Evan. "I'm going to do my best to protect them with every fibre of my being, Finn. Because that's what a man does with the people he loves. I know it's what you would want me to do." He let go of Rachel's hand and crouched closer to the headstone. "I'm not going to try and replace you Finn, because from what I know about you you're pretty irreplaceable. But I will try and be the best husband to Rachel and stepfather to Evan. It's what they deserve. And I know you want that for them too."

He stood up and looked at Evan and Rachel with a smile on his face. Rachel bit her lip as the tears in her eyes. Evan looked at him, a sad smile on his face. Just by looking at her face, Jack could tell Rachel needed and wanted a minute alone with Finn.  
"Hey Evan, why don't we start walking back to the car?" Jack asked. "We have to meet your grandparents soon and it looks like Mommy wants a minute with Daddy." He stretched out his hand. Evan eyed his mother before giving her a soft half hug and taking Jack's hand. When they were out of ear shot, Rachel got closer to the headstone and knelt on the ground.

"I miss you Finn." She whispered. "I miss you so much. Evan is growing up to be so much like you. I know you're up there watching down on him, protecting him but I so wish you could be down here protecting him and us too." She sighed. "And now you've met Jack. I didn't want to move on Finn, I didn't. I love you and you're mine and I'm yours but when I met him on that soccer field...something just clicked. I love him Finn. It's a different love, but I love him and he loves me and Evan and takes care of us...and I just...I need to feel at peace again and Jack brings that for me. I hope you can understand. " She paused. "I know you understand. I know that you want what's best for us. And I like to think that in some ways you brought Jack to me, when I was ready. So I guess I have to thank you too." She smiled a little bit. "I love you Finn."

She stood up and placed her hand on his headstone like Evan had and left it there for a minute before walking away from his resting place and heading for the car. They were meeting everyone at a nearby restaurant for a late brunch. Everyone, including Finn's parents.

They arrived at the restaurant and the three of them walked in together, in a quiet trance. It was always like this for Rachel and Evan after they visited with Finn. Each needing time to just soak in the experience. Evan clutched his hand in hers as they approached the table where their family was sat. Everyone was there, her dads, Finn's parents, Kurt and Blaine, Santana and Dani. Puck and Quinn had even made it this year, their three kids in tow. They tried to do this every year on or around the anniversary of his death. Sometimes life got in the way and they couldn't meet up for birthdays or holidays (most specifically for Puck and Quinn, as they now lived in Virginia where Puck was stationed) but they always made a point to get together for his anniversary. Finn had been the glue that had brought the family together. He'd been the one to get them all join glee club, got them to act as a team and become friends. Finn was the reason that Burt and Carole were in her life, as more than just parents of her friends. This was her family.

They were the last to arrive, as was tradition and took their seats after greeting everyone. Evan maintained a firm grasp on her hand up until them taking their seats. Even though this was his family, he wasn't good with making strange still after all these years.

They sat around the table reminiscing about memories of Finn, Jack leaning back in his chair and taking it all in. He helped Evan cut is waffle when he had trouble with the knife and poured him more juice from the pitcher in front of them...an action that didn't go unnoticed by Carole.  
"Finn would be so happy for you guys." Carole smiled, her eyes shining with tears as she watched the two other men in Rachel's life interact. Rachel smiled at her mother-in-law and placed her hand on hers.  
"Yeah, I think so too." She smiled.  
"He'd be really happy to see you happy. That's all he ever wanted." Carole kissed her head.  
"I am happy." She smiled slowly. "I like to think Finn had a hand in bringing Jack to me..."  
"I'm sure he did sweetheart." Carole smiled. "He brought him for both of you..." She nodded at the two. The women watched as Jack joked around with Evan and made him laugh hysterically, her little boy finally coming out of his shell. It just took him a little time.

She would be okay. They would be okay. She would get her happily. ever. after.

**THE END. **


End file.
